Over the years of running the Compatibility Club, I have noticed that some people make hasty decisions to stop communicating with their match when they haven’t even met. Sometimes they only exchange a couple of messages before ending the relationship. And some ask me when they should decide if their match is right.
For example, one person ended communication with a match because their match mentioned that they had used other dating sites in the past. It is important when communicating with a match to go into it with a very receptive and forgiving attitude. Some people just don’t express themselves well in the written word.
Can you decide if your match is compatible by exchanging messages?
It is far better to wait until you have spoken on the phone or ideally met in person before making any judgement.
As a US research study on the findings of matchmakers called “Online Dating Coaches’ User Evaluation Strategies” by Doug Zytko, Quentin Jones and Sukeshini A. Grandhi* concluded, “When discussing messaging as a potential way to evaluate such compatibility, most of the coaches did not find it worth the time to engage in long messaging conversations for this. They believed that users over-deliberate their message content, distorting any indications of personality. Instead, they advised using messaging primarily as a tool for arranging a date quickly and evaluating personality compatibility on the date.”
In trying to explain why this is so, they referred to signaling theory. For example, a conventional signal that someone exercises is seeing a picture of them in a track suit. But you can only really be sure of of their fitness if you see the “trait in action; e.g. observing a jogger run several miles.” So the online expressions of ourselves can be misleading and not give a clear picture.
You should also not judge a person by what they have done in their lives. What a person has done in the past doesn’t matter as much as the person they are today. Sometimes we do crazy things when we are young. Sometimes we try to fit in with our friends at the time even though they may not be a good influence. Later in life we can become very different expressions of ourselves.
It is too easy with messages to read things between the lines and to misinterpret one another. It is easier when you can see immediately how someone reacts – their facial expressions etc.
I had another match that happily exchanged messages for months and when they finally met it was not a success. So I would strongly encourage you to meet your match as soon as possible. Although it can be fun to exchange a few messages to get to know them a little before you meet.
For the reasons mentioned above, some online dating apps don’t allow people to message one another at all and only provide a way to schedule a meeting either face to face or via online video. Would you prefer that the Compatibility Club was set up that way? It is interesting to note that one of our happily matched couples hardly exchanged any messages before they met (and they went on to marry).
So when you are provided with a match that also wants to communicate with you, give it some time to get to know them. Don’t decide on whether they are a great match for you until you have met them a few times. Don’t even judge based on just one meeting as nerves can sometimes make that go smoothly. Wait till you have gotten to know them a bit better and seen them in different settings and doing different activities.
The tradition from which Vedic Astrology compatibility comes from relies more on the basis of the astrological factors rather than on exchanging messages or having lots of meetings. The idea is that love grows over time and that it can take a lifetime to fully get to know, appreciate and love someone.
So eat meals together, watch movies, discuss things, go sledding, go ten-pin bowling, play scrabble or chess – do whatever you have to do in order to get to know more sides of their personality. Then decide. Or just get married and let it all evolve over time.
* Online Dating Coaches’ User
Evaluation Strategies – see www.researchgate.net/publication/302073957_Online_Dating_Coaches’_User_Evaluation_Strategies